Open Letter to Facebook

I remember the first time we met. It was like you were made for me. I was in love with your friend, hi5, and the relationship was not strained. But you came along and I saw what I have been missing. You were smarter, and knows how to satisfy me more. I tried to make your friend see reasons why she should start getting smart, like you, tried to make her see that her ways were old, we are not in the 90’s anymore. At least she should change her clothes, and maybe her scent. But she was too rigid, she wouldn’t listen.

So like they say in my country, and I think in every other civilized world, “its bros before hos”. My bros(friends) pressured me and I finally left her for you, and since then, the relationship has been sweet, flowers and paradise, until recently.

You have a sister called called twitter, and although I didn’t see anything wrong with you, you always think she is more beautiful than you do. When you decided to have your first plastic surgery, you told me about it, said it’s nothing serious and I went through it with you. And truthfully, it was a success, I loved you more after than before. Maybe you thought it was cool, so you decided to have other surgeries without consulting me. And yes you did have other surgeries, you’ve definitely been there done that: face lift, tummy tuck, breast enlargement, and some other ones that are too sexually explicit to mention. Funny enough, all my friends, or at least a higher percentage thought you were doing well with these surgeries, but for me, you were beginning to look like crap. The more you want to look like your sister, twitter, the more bogus you become. The more bogus you become, the less I found you interesting. It’s true that your sister, twitter is beautiful, I have seen her and wow, she is really beautiful, but her beauty is not in her voluminosity, its rather in her simplicity.

I guess she learnt a lot from your distant cousins, google and youtube. She knew she must be simple and easy to understand, if she is to attract men like me. She knew with time, other people will come to love her simplicity, just like they love your cousins. She knew what simplicity could make her achieve, and she makes herself easily understandable. That is what you were, that is the facebook I loved. But this facebook I am seeing now, to quote a popular Nigerian musician “….is not the girl I used to know, she’s a shadow of herself.”.

The most interesting thing is, my friends who pushed me away from hi5, all seems not to see that you have changed. They all seem to love the new you, and I am like an island. The only few that ventured to even visit your sister with me, got glued and understood me better, but the higher percentage won’t even stop to catch a breadth while all they do is sing your love songs.

And just like your friend hi5, you seem not to miss me. Not immediately I left her anyway. And right now, you seem not to miss me too. I disappear sometimes for a whole week, and when I come back, nothing seems to have changed. Its still the same old you, changing your looks faster than Michael Jackson, and the same old friends singing your boring love songs. Now to me you seems like a movie playing at 1-frame per day. I could be gone for a week and still not miss anything.

Anyway, I don’t want to cheat on you, so I am writing you this letter. This song says it all.

Dear facebook
How I hate to write
Dear facebook
I must let you know tonight
That my love for you has died away
Like grass upon the lawn
And tonight I wed another, twitter.

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9 Comments »

  1. Temidayo said

    This is hilarious! Marked by elements of truths. Really Poetic!

  2. obabiola said

    Very interesting.Nice work.Keep it up.

  3. Tope Faro(javaboy) said

    First i’ll admit two things:
    1) facebook got through a lot of surgeries and,
    2) I love the new facebook better.

    I like the new features of fb such as “Upload Pictures” Applet, Ajax Chat, and lot of applications and games. It even allows we programmers to write our own apps to be added to facebook for free.

    I think your decline love for facebook is due to a FEAR in you that it’ll strip of your remaining friends such as nairaland.com, naijadukes.net, twitter, just like it stripped you from hi5 and probably take your attention from work.

    And i’ll say your FEAR is GENUINE ‘cos its reallly really ADDICTIVE

    • Maybe you are right, maybe you are not. I met facebook before I met twitter, infact it was through tech crunch that I knew twitter existed, they did a post highlighting ways in which facebook is copying twitter.

      But your other points are maybe valid, especially the fact that its taking me away from work.

  4. philip said

    nice ,i lov this writeup it is very creative.
    you must be another Wole Soyinka

    • Tx, I don’t think though I am in the Wole Soyinka’s league yet, maybe one or two Nobel laureates will do the trick. Thanks anyway.

  5. Babatee said

    Guy mi kudos 2 u 4 d job well done.More wisdom 2 u frm Jah.tk kia man mi

  6. boye 's said

    Man, u should take up a column in any of these nationwide dailies. The editor will be pleased with your growing word skill.

    How now?

  7. bimbola said

    No wonder u conspire with the management to block facebook on our internet service.lol. anyway dats a gud write up!

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